Looking In
by Lellers89
Summary: Remus contemplates his life and what it means. Songfic, MWPP times


Disclaimer: I'm definitely not talented enough to own these characters and this song! The characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and the song, "Looking In," belongs to 51 Stones. Soon, though, I will rule the world and all will be mine. This is my first fanfic, so be nice!  
  
A man wakes up  
  
There was a flash of amber in the darkness. Slowly, lazily, Remus opened his eyes and thought plaintively, like a child, that things would be better today. They had to be.  
  
Sees these people all around  
  
He went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, sitting with his friends. Amid the hustle and bustle of the tables, with people sitting far too close and constantly bumping his elbow off the table so he had to scramble to keep his breakfast out of his book, he was utterly alone. The kind people who had more or less adopted him (always the loner) into their group didn't really know him. They didn't really understand what truly made him himself. To be frank..he didn't, either.  
  
Speaking words without a sound  
  
And walking hand in hand  
  
Finally deciding that any attempts to read were futile, he looked up and studied the people around him. Nodding vaguely and murmuring polite, noncommittal remarks at whatever it was the others were saying, he noticed once again that no one ever really tried to reach out to him. No one addressed a remarked solely to him, no one craved his opinion, no one whispered words meant for his ears alone.  
  
More depressing than this, if it were possible, was the physical embodiment of his solitude. Whereas others were holding hands under the table, or tapping each other's shoulders to fain attention, or maybe waving their arms madly about, hitting the other person in the process of elaborating upon their point, no one seemed to want to touch Remus. This was, of course, aside from the bumps and hassling from his disgruntled fellow students. A better way to put it, he mused, was that no one wanted to touch him, but they weren't above knocking him down.  
  
He closes his eyes  
  
And in his heart he lights a fire Burning off of his desire  
  
To finally understand  
  
Suddenly, the knowledge that he was utterly despised by his peers (for what else could it be? His reactions to others couldn't possibly be causing any of this) was far too much to handle. Flesh encompassed shining orbs, temporarily blocking out their misery and making the oxygen a little bit lighter for everyone in the room. Behind these walls that hid away the pain, not could feel, not tears, exactly, but the readiness of tears to come, if only he willed them there.  
  
"No." He didn't know that he had spoken aloud; it didn't matter, though. Nobody had heard him, and if they had, they wouldn't have cared. "I am not this person. I will not do this-I will not be this." Words meant nothing, he knew, but they helped fortify his resolve; he would be strong. He wouldn't waste the wonderful opportunity he had been given. Few other people, few other places, would accept people like-people like him.  
  
He didn't know what it was that made him so detestable (aside from that, of course, but they didn't know about it) but he wanted to learn. Not only did he have few friends outside his small group, but he also had virtually no female admirers. Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother him, but with all of the girls throwing themselves at James and Sirius.  
  
Falling into faded photographs  
  
Only memories in his mind he can't let go of.  
  
Once, this hadn't been the case. Before, he had been accepted. Before, he had actually been the one who had walked up to girls just to talk or give them help with their homework. That was back when the scent of a woman in season hadn't driven him mad, back when perfume didn't scald his nose, when giggles were cute instead of head-splitting. He hadn't needed friends; he had family and school, self-assurance, and his help was always valuable. He didn't fit, exactly-not like he did now, anyway-but his presence was accepted. It was important that he was around so they could use him and take advantage of his help.  
  
God, how he missed those days.  
  
When his life turned dark as night, he simply turned his face away  
  
That man was gone, dead, never to be resurrected. The reflection in his morning cup of tea was dark and murky-a fitting mirror to the worthless monster he had become. He had no future, no past, and a bare existence in the present. All that was left was muddy and brown, with the outline blurred by steam.or fur.  
  
To all that he could do, to all that he could want, to all that he could say  
  
Before, he had been an over-achiever. "Ambitious," his parents had called him with pride. Now, he did no more and no less than he was supposed to, ensuring that he stayed at the head of the class while never even approaching his full potential. When he was possessed with the urge to talk to a teacher about something that intrigued him, or help someone with a spell they were having trouble with, or do just a little extra on his assignment, he would suppress it. "You don't deserve teachers," he would say to himself. "You don't deserve friends or extra credit. You are nothing. You are useless."  
  
And the world keeps changing  
  
With every move we make  
  
He abruptly rose from his chair. As his friends looked on with startled apprehension, he explained warily that "I'm not very hungry", which was true, but not why he was leaving. His scabs, real and imagined, needed to be scratched in order to remind him of what he was. Of what he wasn't.  
  
He didn't have any classes for another hour or so, and he didn't feel like lugging his book around him wherever he went, so he stopped off to his dormitory to put it in his trunk. After this brief excursion, he left to go find a clear bathroom; the one he shared with Peter, James, Sirius, and the other boys was so full of hair gel that he couldn't move without risking an avalanche. He found one quickly and, stepping inside, tugged off his shirt, Beneath it lay, in all its glory, the signs of what he truly was. His chest was barely visible under all of the bruises and scabs. They had long ago stopped hurting, or he learned to ignore the pain; at any rate, he felt an urge to peel away the healing tissue in order to remind himself of the horrors that lay beneath. He felt sorry for himself; he shouldn't. Everything he got was deserved.  
  
Along one wall of the bathroom was a long mirror; below it were the sinks, and behind those lay the toilets. Out of habit Remus faced the mirrors with the stalls behind him; out of disgust, he ignored his reflection, gazing instead upon the biggest of all the scabs, running crosswise along his torso. It was covered by poorly applied gaze and tape, which he was quick to tear off with a grunt. The scab was huge, with dead black skin covering the newly forming tender scar. It itched beyond belief and it hurt like hell when he peeled it off. Resisting the urge to howl in pain, he reflexively glanced up at the mirror. What he saw there shocked him.  
  
He was not alone in the bathroom.  
  
And there's no exchanging  
  
For a life we just can't take  
  
He could honestly say that, for the first time in his life, he had the urge to kill himself. Only the knowledge that he would be throwing away the hard work of many people and an animalistic desire for self-preservation prevented him from doing so; besides, despite all of the shit going on in his life, there was far too much good. Maybe, if he had a worse view of his life.but it was bearable, so he would trudge on.  
  
And the sadness falls into your heart so hard you feel it break  
  
Perhaps, in a few days, he would feel differently. After all, Sirius had seen him.what he had done to himself. All of the scars and scabs and pain of a lifetime of hurting. There was such a look of disgust and horror on his face when he saw it.Remus hadn't been able to bear it. He had run off, not even bothering to put his shirt back on before he left but holding it in front of him to shield him from the cruel world. Surely, he wouldn't want to be friends anymore. Surely, Remus had screwed up his only chance at happiness. He had damned himself again.  
  
When the world keeps changing, I don't know if I can  
  
So help me find out who I am.  
  
Life went on at school that day. He was fairly certain that I would always be this way; the world may end, and yet school would still continue. He couldn't concentrate on his subjects. Everything had changed, suddenly and without warning, and yet time didn't stop and allow him to resign himself to his fate. He didn't know what would happen to him now. Would Sirius tell anyone? Would he tell everyone? Perhaps he would use it to blackmail the other boy.or maybe, just maybe, he would help him.  
  
He lifts his hands  
  
Falls down to his knees and prays  
  
Remus was shocked. Might Sirius help? Oh, dear God, Merlin, Zeus, Jupiter, Great Spirit..whoever the hell was listening.let him help! He just couldn't go on like this.couldn't let it go on.  
  
Tried to hold on to those days  
  
When he didn't have a care  
  
When did everything become so complicated? When did things happen like this? He wanted to say that it was a sudden bite that made his life change but.it happened before that. Way back when a child realizes that Mommy and Daddy are far from perfect. When he finds out that history's heroes owned slaves. When he realizes that tens of thousands have died over a slight effrontery, when he discovers that the only thing that the great leaders ever did was screw things over a bit more for everyone else, who followed the same trend. Life was so much better when the wool was pulled over your eyes and you were oblivious to reality.  
  
All his hopes and dreams and wishes just a flashing in his eyes  
  
And then the fire slowly dies  
  
As if it were never there  
  
When he was a kid, he wanted to be the Pope. Never mind that he wasn't Catholic; never mind that he didn't even know what the Pope really did. When he was little, he liked the Pope's hat, and that was all that really mattered. When had he grown up? When had the important stuff in life become beliefs and social events and grades instead of a hat that he thought was cool? When had-  
  
"Mr. Lupin, are you listening to me? The nurse would like to see you in the hospital wing."  
  
He groaned; was it that time again? "Yes professor, I'm leaving immediately."  
  
The professor shook his head dolefully, knowing, Remus supposed, that he would never amount to anything. He was right, too; there was no point in existing, really, other than to make others happy.  
  
Painting this fake smile across his face  
  
Hoping no one can see through to his confusion  
  
As he got up to leave, gather his books as he went, Sirius grabbed his arm.  
  
"Are you okay, Remus?"  
  
He wanted to say, "No, I'm not, I know that now. Please, I need help-let me get through this. Do something kind. Help me, instead of the other way around. Care about something other than yourself. It doesn't really matter what you do-just help!"  
  
Instead, he shrugged and smiled laconically. "Fine, of course".  
  
When he feels so all alone, he just wants someone else to know  
  
But he cannot let them see, he cannot let it out, he cannot let it show.  
  
Sirus accepted that answer. Remus wanted to shake him, wanted to scream at him, wanted him to realize the lie for what it was. Somehow, the fact that this didn't happen was more painful than the lack of action before.  
  
And the world keeps changing  
  
With every move make And there's no exchanging For a life we just can't take  
  
He knew why he was called to the Hospital Wing, of course. It was to be taken away, to the shack. Away, to his prison where he could hurt himself and himself alone. Away, to where he could punish himself for his wrongdoing that he had done in the past. It hurt him in many ways, going there; there was a physical pain, of course, but there was another pain that ran much deeper. This was a pain that told him in all certainty that he deserved all of the loneliness, the distance, and the lack of contact. He was only getting his just reward.  
  
And the sadness falls into your heart so hard you feel it break.  
  
Afterwards, as he lay in the shack, tired and bleeding, the morose mood of the dilapidated building filled him once again with despair. He thought carefully about what his life had been like before compared to what it was like now. Eventually, though, he had to stop; he had made himself a promise and was going to try to keep it.  
  
And the world keeps changing,  
  
I don't know if I can  
  
There was a rustle, and the door was roughly pulled aside. He strained his eyes, trying to see if it was the nurse there to collect him as he weakly fought off her attempts to heal him.  
  
It wasn't.  
  
So help me find out who I am  
  
Once again, Sirius stood there, looking surprised, scared, disgusted, and.something else.  
  
He sees no light at the end of this dark tunnel.  
  
Oh God, here he was. Remus could see the hatred in Sirius's eyes, could see the revulsion reflected and amplified between the connection of the two boys' round orbs until it became unbearable. Somehow, the assumption that Sirius would hate him was so much easier to bear than the reality of it.  
  
All he sees is the past, the way things could have been  
  
Suddenly, Remus thought of that first day on the train. He had been sitting in his compartment, expecting to be familiarly shunned (as usual) and reading one of his textbooks. Without warning, the compartment door slid open, framing none other than Sirius. No words had been spoken, just like on that very day, but an understanding passed between then. They were both new; a little worried and a little unsure of themselves. They were both good people. They both had the potential to be amazing at whatever they chose to do. This mutual understanding had passed between both of them, silently; "I will not judge, I will not hate, I will not abandon you. I will wait with you, listen when you speak, and talk when you're craving conversation. I will help you when you're hurting and calm you as you scream I promise all of this, if you will let me stay a little while, if you will accept me as I am accepting you."  
  
Something in Remus died, just as he was watching this promise die in that brief exchange of glances.  
  
And he cries out to the darkness, "Why, oh why can't I escape?"  
  
The tears fall down like rain The anger and the pain he can no longer take  
  
It was all too much to handle. They were still just kids, and yet he was condemning Remus, killing him with his eyes, with the words that simmered on his tongue. Why the hell couldn't he escape this horrible fate? Surely damnation couldn't be any worse. It just hurt too.too much.and it wasn't fair.just wasn't fair.  
  
Damn it, he was crying. He'd promised not to.  
  
And the world keeps changing  
  
With every move we make And there's no exchanging It for a life we just can't take And the sadness falls into your heart so hard, you feel it break  
  
Damn it, he could feel his heart break, all right, and it hurt like hell.  
  
And the world keeps changing  
  
But wait.what was that look?  
  
The world keeps changing  
  
Was it.  
  
And it keeps on changing  
  
Could it be.  
  
And we're rearranging  
  
No; it wouldn't be.  
  
And it's changing, changing, changing, changing  
  
And yet, inexorably, it was.  
  
When the world keeps changing, I hope that you can  
  
.Understanding?  
  
Help me find out who I am  
  
Stepping into the darkness, Sirius did the unthinkable. Light shone in from the passageway behind him, illuminating something truly beautiful. It was his hand, reaching out to clasp Remus's.  
  
Help me find out who I am.  
  
Remus took it. 


End file.
